Chronology
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Time goes by, reality settles in. / Oneshot somewhat in parallel with the ring scene in Tears of a Clown. J/M Fic.


At first, you don't understand. You don't see anything. Why the world seems to have adopted a softer shade, why you smile brightly in the morning. And this constant lightness that you don't feel.

At first, you are simply happy. For once your life makes sense and little by little you leave behind all your regrets. All these nights spent in the dark crying away the bitter taste of having failed.

At first, it is what you want. Because it is plain, bare and pure. Your gestures are deprived of second thought and there is this fluidity that comes along. Harmoniously. You keep on smiling.

**But the passing of time changes everything.**

After a while, you let yourself fall into a comforting routine. You think that it is just the way things are now supposed to be. It is your turn. To live, to laugh, to engrave memories in your heart.

After a while, people start looking at you but you don't mind. Nothing matters as long as she is there with you. By your side. Protecting you from whatever the world could throw at you.

After a while, it turns obvious. You were meant to meet, the two of you. You give up on rationality as the shade of esotericism sounds appealing. And sweet, awfully sweet. You are still smiling.

**But the passing of time changes everything.**

It has been a long time and something starts bothering you. It isn't as blurry anymore and you fear that reality may be catching back on you. So you take a deep breath but go on. Always.

It has been a long time and the details are more precise. From the way your heart speeds up as soon as she appears to this harsh feeling of emptiness that crashes you down when she happens to leave.

It has been a long time and perhaps you should have been careful. Your smiles aren't genuine. Your laughter are still here but they have lost in authenticity. Yet you can't afford all of this.

**But the passing of time changes everything.**

It seems like forever when it suddenly hits you. With a singular violence that steals away your breath and the reflection of your face in the mirror disappears behind a veil of tears. Burning ones.

It seems like forever when you realize what you have done. People make mistakes but not you. Not since the day you had sworn to yourself that it wouldn't happen ever again. And yet.

It seems like forever when your smiles get drown under silent regrets. For not having been careful, for having missed all these details. But you keep on hoping. Just in case. In vain.

**But the passing of time changes everything.**

It is too late and you know that she isn't just your friend but your soul mate. The one who gives sense to everything. The one who keeps on destroying unreachable, shameful dreams.

It is too late and you stand there all by yourself. Swallowing back oceans of tears. Hurting yourself with these oppressive feelings that you can't help. You know this is the end of everything.

It is too late and you're afraid your smiles don't fool anyone anymore. They look too pale and your voice is blank. You stare at her but you don't dare. Never. No. You can't.

**But the passing of time changes everything.**

Not anymore, though.

It is for her that your heart beats. Loudly. Secretly. Painfully. You have ceased to think that it wasn't like that at the beginning. It is too obvious. You are tired of lying. She doesn't see it.

The truth is harsh and you are lost. Confusion has stolen your smiles, made your laugh vanish and a dizzy whirl of fear carries you away. Mocking you for having dared to be so naïve.

You have tried a few times but the words have always remained stuck behind your lips. It only takes a second to crash down the semblance of courage you had assumed to find.

You look down at your feet and wonder why. Why her. Why you. Why now. Why. Why why why. It resounds loud in your head as you melt in her dark eyes. She is the one. Of course, she is.

You are in love with her. She has no clue about it. You have lost count of the sleepless nights spent debating the idea of blurting out all these feelings. You don't want to make her suffer.

She hasn't asked for it.

Neither have you. It just happened.

What if...

But no. She is wearing his ring and as much as you try, you don't manage to sound happy. Her smile is insecure because you aren't helping. You should be supportive. You should be so many things.

_How will I survive without my best friend?_

There. You said it. It burnt your lips, dug a torrent of pain in your heart but you don't panic. No. You have no strength left for that. So you just cry. But the tears won't come out.

_Wait, what are you doing?_

You wish you were dead because it is too painful to be alive. Her genuine smile vanishes. Confusion invade her features. She freezes. It is wrong and you know it. So you just leave.

Already as a child, you hated the passing of time because it always made everything turn bad. How did you dare to think that it would be different? How did you dare to believe?

Love isn't made for you, Maura Isles.

Don't be stupid. Accept it.


End file.
